Living life like a sane.

Assalamualaikum....

Here, I am typing, telling about my feelings out loud again~

I'm start living like a sane. More sane I think compared to those times when I lost my direction. Feeling lost in life. Really lost. Thinking. Yes, love is great and I'm grateful for having love in life.

The feelings of loving someone and being loved by someone. I'm grateful for that.

Even until now.

I don't regret and I won't regret anymore. 

Surely, there were times when I regretted things but when I  am thinking about it, I shouldn't regret. Things happened with reasons and Allah is the best planner of all.  I believe in Allah and I should always have faith in Him. He is my creator. He plans the best for me. For 'us'.

Maybe..we will end up with someone else in life. We never know. I just want to say when I still have the chance that I won't regret for knowing you and making you a special one in life. If and only if I want to regret about something, it is me, I regret for not being able to control  and taking care of myself better as a 'muslimah' and a daughter to my parents.

To that person, that man...I just have that faith that I know you better than anyone else(except your parents.maybe.) even after all the things that had happened. I still have faith in you. The feelings of knowing someone by heart. I know that you're a nice guy, a nice man, a nice person...so, I don't regret knowing you. Everyone has issues in life, bad days, darkest time and whatever we call it and so do you as you are also a human with no exception. It just that how one handles 'things' is different but I think I'm fine with that and you have to be fine with that too. Take your own pace. Slowly figure out things. You will be okay.You will be better. You will be fine. Believe me.

I'm hoping and praying that Allah will always bless you, ease everything for you..

Experiences in life, our falls, our 'injuries', our 'pains' will always teach us to be better and stronger in life. Stay still and stand tall. Never lose faith in Him, in life, in self, in Qada' and Qadar.

I think there were times when I said that I found my Mr. Perfect. I think that person is still a Mr. Perfect in my eyes.

"Beauty in appearance may fade away, but beauty in heart will remain..."

To that someone,

You have a very beautiful heart. Remain calm and find your 'true self'. 

Thanks for always taking care of me even in your own way that others may not see or understand. Even myself.

To that someone,

I'm grateful and thank you so much. You are wonderful just the way you are.

For this one and a half year..please bear with me.

It's not a purpose of living anymore~

Assalamualaikum..

" An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity,

A pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity.."

Taking a deep breath and feeling self more at ease now,

day by day...

Today, I feel more relax and have the time to think back about the past. What had happened..and it  feels just like a dream. A dream that I cried very and terribly bad about something, cried my heart out, driving while my eyes were tearing up badly and blurred with tears, drove to nowhere as I didn't have any direction to go..Yes, it was me. The heartbroken girl, who cried a lot! Yes, a lot..more than I can say it with my own mouth. It was a lot. It was all in past tense as I can't cry anymore, I just don't have the reason t cry anymore. There are no tears to be shed..anymore~

I feel more calm now~

Sometimes, I try to think..Has it really over??Has it over? This feeling....has it dead? The love towards someone..has it dead already? I'm not sure and I don't know, I'm feeling glad. I thank to Allah for this moment. I'm okay now. Everything seems so fine. I can smile. I can laugh. Sincerely.

To the one who taught me how to love and be loyal full-heartedly..Thanks. Thanks a lot.

I might have cried. A lot. Because of 'the thing' but I am not regret yet be grateful. I'm stronger now. Thanks to you.

To that person. Please bear with me for one and a half year more. I just need that 'some time'. Please.. (not begging you or trying to burden you but I'm asking you as someone you know for years~) I just have 'that feeling' that I will be able to accept anything that will happen in future after this one and a half year. It will be okay if you will be with someone else. I will be okay. Really. I just have that confidence. Please...only for this one and a half year more~

Sorry.

Sometimes I just came up with crazy ideas about eating out together, watching movies, jogging, asking for an accompany to buy something...bear with me...because it feels like a habit (it is present tense as it is still a habit) I know that I need to overcome that as soon as possible. I'm trying..please bear with my 'craziness'.

Sometimes, I just feel like you are embarrassed to be seen with me by others. I just get that feeling and couldn't stop myself from noticing it. Sorry if I take it wrongly. It is just like an irony. Yes. Life is unpredictable. We once didn't even bother if people saw us as we met almost every single day before. we were like an 'item' who couldn't be separated. Always together, the two of us. Always seen by others, together.

Surely enough that we are not 'us' anymore. 'You' are 'you' and 'I' am 'I'. Surely enough it is. No 'us' anymore. We are not an 'item' anymore. I believe that you are now fine with that. I'm getting used of it too.

I think....Everything starts to come back to normal. Back to normal as marriage is not a purpose of live anymore. It is not the centre of my life anymore. Weirdly, awkwardly, it is. Maybe Allah is helping me. Make it easy for me right now. Alhamdulillah~ I feel more awake! It may be a 'plain' and 'boring' life but it just remarkably more calm. I just can't describe this feeling..

" We can't never undone a damage but we can learn to not create the same damage over again.."

To that someone. Thank you... and..please bear with me for this one and a half year more~

A 'Trial' teacher #Part 1

Assalamualaikum...

It feels like decades since my very last update. Surely, this very short term memory of mine, I forgot my own password. It took me months to remember it back and now I'm here again. Bear with me~

A 'Trial' teacher instead of a trainee teacher as I just finished my first practicum almost the last 2 weeks ago. It feels like a 'trial' period to me. A 'trial' period of teaching as an English teacher. Yeah, believe me, it was the very first time.

What should I say?

I think it feels more like a dream.

I was teaching..

in a real classroom..

as an English teacher.

@____@ blur~

so, 

am I a teacher now??

not yet.

After 1 and a half year you will see..you have to wait.

I went to Convent Green Lane (CGL), a cluster school in an urban area in Penang for my first practicum. It was challenging teaching in an urban school, plus the school is well-known with their good academic achievements. What do you expect from an urban school like Convent? The pupils have a very good English language proficiency level, they speak English well! (Haihhh, kalut la 'cikgu baru' ni oii!! >.<  cakap London pun lintang pukang lagi T_T ).

I taught a year 2 class. Teaching by using a modular approach(KSSR) is a bit tough as I myself still not really clear with the new 'system'. Plus, it is never easy to teach a class with mixed abilities pupils. I had to cater with the pupils' differences in learning. They have different pace and ability in learning.

Am I a good teacher or bad teacher?

Surely, I'm not the good one neither the bad one.

I love them all. I remember their faces and feel like laughing every time I think about them. I remember them well especially the 'very good' one who did ballet when I was teaching, the one who was running and make me chased after her (yes 'her' as it was an all-girls school), the one who shouted a lot during my lesson, the one who peeking after my belonging (selongkar semua barang + guna macam harta sendiri T_T). Surely, I remember them well.

Some of them are really mischievous. They almost made me cry sometimes. They did give me bad times and bad days but they also made me laugh and love this line of profession, being a teacher. I love them a lot!

Sometimes, they make me thinking on how to be a better teacher. I want to better for them. To teach more, to give them more, to make them learn more. I want to do it. 

Sometimes, I was feeling sad as I couldn't do much for them. Some of them are extremely weak as they can't read or write. Some of them can't even copy the sentences correctly. Yes, I was sad, not because they are poor in studies but because I couldn't do much to help. It was just a one month period, it was too short. I really wish that I can spend more time with them and help the weak ones better. 

Sometimes, I was so touched when they were making progression by showing interest in learning. They did their homework, they participated in the lesson's activities! They were making progression. It may sound like "what's the matter with that?", "It just a trivial little things." They were not to me. Before this, I observed them, they were always playing in the class, sometimes, they looked not interested in learning, but I tried to figure out the reasons. When I pushed them to participate in the class activities and do their works, I realised that they are actually very weak in studies. It's not they didn't want to do it at first, but they just couldn't do it. They did not understand. I paid more attention to them, asking more questions and encourage them a lot during the lesson and they started to show interest. I was really glad.

They made me happy. They made me love the teaching profession more. They are the 'teacher' to this 'trial' teacher. They made me learn that it is a long journey for me to be a 'good' teacher. I'm too far from it and I have to do better to be better for future.

"Girls, thank you so much~ ) =')